


that’s the moral of the story, babe

by nerdbird26



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:54:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdbird26/pseuds/nerdbird26
Summary: I said, “young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.”Yamaguchi experiences some heartbreak.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 132





	1. some mistakes get made, that’s alright, that’s okay

Yamaguchi can’t exactly figure out why he fell in love with him. He can’t even seem to know when. But he does have clues.

Part of it is appearances, as per usual when it comes to crushes. He wouldn’t exactly describe his type as “tall and blonde,” even though both those words describe Tsukishima. He realizes that he’s never had a “type” since he never found himself attracted to anyone until he met Tsukki. Yamaguchi looks at his height almost like an umbrella: hovering over him, blocking out the rain, keeping him safe. He even finds Tsukki to be equally as cute with or without his glasses, which is hard for most people to pull off. And his constantly stoic face seems to be intimidating and undesirable to the passing eye, but he adores it. Especially when they’re alone and he manages to make Tsukki laugh, causing his apathetic expression to break out into a smile that most people don’t have the privilege of seeing.

When it comes to his personality, most people find Tsukishima to be plain. Closed off. Unfriendly. But Yamaguchi finds him the exact opposite. Nobody can quite figure out how someone as bright as Yamaguchi managed to bury his way under Tsukishima’s skin, but he has, and he’s found a million secrets because of it. He knows that Tsukki isn’t as cold as other people make him out to be. He’s got a good sense of humor, even when he doesn’t mean to. He even seems to like physical contact, or at least he doesn’t mind it, especially when it’s from Yamaguchi. He likes how mysterious Tsukishima can be. It just means that there are always more secrets and surprises to find.

He also finds Tsukishima extremely helpful when he needs it the most. He knows that Hinata and Kageyama would probably disagree considering how many times Tsukki bailed on them when they needed help studying English, but he admits that Tsukki doesn’t have the patience for those two most of the time. Yamaguchi knows a different story, however. The two of them have spent countless nights in one of their bedrooms studying and doing homework together.

It would be 1 a.m. on a Saturday because Yamaguchi asked him to help him study for a history test on Monday, and Yama would be half-asleep and bleary-eyed as Tsukki explained a lesson for the third time. Yamaguchi was happy, because he knew Tsukki usually didn’t have that type of patience for most people, but he did for him. Eventually Tsukki would get too tired to go on, and he would tell Yama to take his bed while he slept on the floor, because he was nice like that. Maybe Yama would argue and tell him to sleep in his bed (since it was Tsukki’s bed, afterall), or he would just give in and sleep like Tsukki told him to. In the back of his mind, he would imagine himself asking Tsukki to join him on the bed, and they would share the warmth, enveloped in each other.

He especially loves how well he is at volleyball. Even when Tsukki doesn’t show as much passion for the sport as his teammates do, he knows deep down that Tsukishima doesn’t hate it. He’s almost jealous at how destined he is for volleyball, considering his height and intelligence. Yamaguchi probably loves the sport ten times as much because he knows Tsukki is playing beside him.

Yamaguchi, from now to his grave, loves Tsukishima. He loves every part of him, even the parts Tsukki himself doesn’t seem to like. And one day he’ll build up the courage to tell him. And he prays to whatever god is watching him that it doesn’t go horribly wrong.

-/-/-

It’s a chilly autumn Thursday. The wind is cool and brisk, sweeping fallen leaves across the concrete pavement. The sky above is a beautiful blend of light blue and lilac, with shades of orange and yellow peaking over the horizon as the sun started to set. Two boys walk side by side along the pavement in silence. The only noise surrounding them is the whistling wind and their shoes stepping on the sidewalk.

Yamaguchi’s heart is stammering. Everyday for the past week, he’s been trying to gather the nerve to admit his true feelings to Tsukki. And everyday he fails. He keeps telling himself that the next day will be the day, but he always chickens out when the perfect situation arrives. Right now would be a perfect time, for example, but he makes an excuse in his own head, saying that it’s only a few minutes away from his house. It just wouldn’t be enough time. He’ll just confess tomorrow.

Yeah. Tomorrow.

But it’s hard to stop his racing heart. He forces his eyes on the familiar pathway ahead of him. He desperately tries to ignore the way Tsukki keeps glancing at him suspiciously. Tsukki’s smart, and he knows he’s good at reading people, but he also doesn’t like to put himself into other people’s business. He hopes that Tsukki doesn’t ask about his weird behavior, or he just might die on the spot.

And, like some curse that’s been hearing his thoughts, Tsukki grabs on to Yamaguchi’s sleeve. “You’ve been acting weird.”

“Huh?! I’m— I’m not acting weird! Am I acting weird?” Yamaguchi blubbers like an idiot. Tsukki gives him a look, and he knows that he immediately gave himself away.

“Yeah, all week. You’ve been distracted and fidgety at all our practices. Even on our walks home. Is something wrong, Yama?” Tsukki’s voice is mostly stoic, but slightly concerned. It melts Yamaguchi’s heart, knowing that he’s been noticing him, and he forces himself not to blush. 

“Ah, no! Nothing’s wrong, Tsukki. I’m just...” his mind falters. In this moment of peril he can’t find an excuse to save his ass. Someone should give him an award for “world’s worst liar.”

“Just what?” Tsukishima asks. When Yamaguchi doesn’t respond, he sighs. “You’re behavior has been messing with your practice and your school work, it’s obvious. I’m just trying to help you by figuring out what’s going on. Now tell me.” Tsukki tightens his grip on his sleeve while giving him a slightly frustrated look. Yamaguchi’s heart falters for a moment. His friend isn’t even restraining him with much force, but being under his control like this, it makes him feel—

His face burns red at the sudden thought. He swallows thickly and starts sweating. “Um, Tsukki, it’s nothing. It’s just something stupid. Let’s just go home.” He tries to pull away from his grasp and keep walking, but Tsukki is holding him in place.

“Tadashi.”

Tsukki says his name in a breathy whispers, disheartened. A chill runs up Yamaguchi’s spine at the sound of his first name. It isn’t the first time he’s said it, but given the situation, it makes him go cold.

Yamaguchi stares intently at his shoes. He takes a deep breath, then two. He tries to stop his body from shaking, to no avail.

“Tsukki, I... I really like you. Like, I think I’m in love with you. I have been for a while now. It’s incredibly cliche, and I know you hate cliches, but it’s true.” He involuntarily starts to smile, still staring at the ground. “It’s everything about you. It’s how you make me feel. You make me feel so safe and... happy.”

After several seconds of silence, the sleeve that Tsukki has been holding on to is let go, and Yamaguchi’s arm falls to his side. He doesn’t take his eyes off the ground. He sees Tsukki’s shoes shift nervously in front of his own, which are standing perfectly still.

“Yama... look at me.”

He does. What he sees is something he doesn’t like. Tsukishima is frowning at him, not angry, but defeated. Sad. He’s never seen this look on his face before. Tsukki reaches his hand back and scratches anxiously at the back of his neck.

“Listen, you shouldn’t get feelings like that get in the way of school or practice. I know those things are very important to you, so don’t let that stuff mess you up.” His tone is cold. Barren. For a moment, Yama sees a sliver of the closed off and unfriendly person that everyone else sees. His heart doesn’t want to believe what he’s hearing.

“What? I don’t understand, Tsukki.”

“Just... take care of yourself, okay?” He rests a hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder and smiles at him. But his smile feels wrong, forced, discontented.

“And what about you?”

“Huh? What about me?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes widen at him. “I just told you that I loved you and your saying... I— I don’t even know what you’re saying! Don’t you... don’t you feel the same way?” He cant stop his legs from shaking. He feels like he’s about to fall. Fall right through the pavement and never stop falling.

“Yama, I don’t want you to be hurt. That’s all.” The response is just as cryptic as the rest, but Yamaguchi finally gets it. Tsukishima knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle a blunt and honest answer, so he had to soften the blow. Tsukki opens his mouth again to speak, but Yamaguchi cuts him off.

“It’s okay. I understand.” The back of his eyes start to itch. He bites down on his bottom lip to stop it from shaking, but it doesn’t stop the tears forming in his eyes. He can’t even breathe, afraid that he’ll start to sob any second now. He tilts his head down.

“Yama, please don’t cry.” Tsukki says. His tone isn’t cold, but Yamaguchi still shivers from hearing it.

“Just go home, Tsukki. I want to be alone right now.”

“Yama, I can’t just leave you here. Look at me.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve made things weird. I’m so sorry. But I just... can you leave me alone.”

“Please don’t apologize. You’re still my friend, Yama. You’ll always be my friend.” Yamaguchi knows he means well by that, but he winces internally at the word “friend.”

“Tsukki, please.” His voice cracks at the word “please.” A tear slips from his eye and rolls down his cheek. “Just leave.”

“Tadashi, look at me.” Tsukki reaches up to touch his shoulder, but Yamaguchi pushes him away roughly. Only then does he look up at him, surprised by his own strength. He looks at Yamaguchi sadly, pushes up his glasses, and turns to walk away. “Text me when you get home.”

Yamaguchi stays still, and soon Tsukishima is out of his sight. More tears fall freely as he waits. His breath hitches when he inhales. He waits till the sky becomes a muddled mess of navy blues and reds. The sun has dropped even lower. After a few minutes, he starts walking to his house.

He makes it before the sun has set completely, and before walking in, he wipes away a few stray tears and makes himself look more presentable. He walks in, kicks off his shoes, and hurries off to his room. He calls a quick hello to his mother and declines her offer of dinner, claiming that he’s “too tired,” which isn’t a lie. In his room, he undresses and pulls on his sleeping clothes. He slams himself face first into his bed, desperately trying to ignore Tsukishima’s lingering scent on his pillow. Before he forgets, he sends him a quick message telling him that he made it home, plugs it into its charger, and doesn’t wait for a reply before falling asleep.

He has a dream that night. He doesn’t remember anything about what happens in it, he just remembers that it made him scared.


	2. you can think that you’re in love when you’re really just in pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of suicide/depression

Yamaguchi wakes up, the side of his face pressed deeply into his pillow. His room is oddly darker than usual. From what he can see, his room layout is illuminated with what appears to be moonlight instead of the morning sun. Everything is a melancholy blue; his bedroom seems to be reflecting his current mood.

He reaches for his phone on the bed side table. It reads “4:45 a.m.” There’s also a series of text messages from Tsukishima from last night. He puts the phone back on the table face down, not bothering to read them. His heart can’t take it right now. He just wants a few more minutes of sleep. He doesn’t know why he woke up so early. Did this heartbreak suddenly fuck up his internal clock?

He flips over onto his back and ponders for a moment. Heartbreak. Is this what it’s like? He’s watched countless of overly dramatic romance movies (with Tsukki, of course) and he’s always made fun of them for being unrealistic and cheesy, especially during the “sad” moments. But, now he’s starting to feel it. He’s caught in a stupid romance movie, except the plot won’t get magically resolved with true love. Because there was no true love, at least not on Tsukishima’s part.

Yamaguchi stares wide eyed at the ceiling for a very long time. He thinks back to all the other times he’s stared at this same ceiling, wondering if he should join a sleeping Tsukki on the floor after a long study session. He now wonders if he’ll ever have another study session like that again. Would Tsukki even want to spend time with him after that? After he made it so weird?

If only he had kept his mouth shut. If only he was better at lying. If only he had managed to control his emotions. If only he had just tried to be satisfied with him and Tsukki just being friends. And now it was all ruined simply because he wanted more than that. He was selfish.

No wonder Tsukishima didn’t like him back. Who would want to be with someone as selfish and dumb and useless as him? Nobody, definitely not Tsukishima. He deserved someone better than him. Someone who was deserving of his kindness and patience and all his little secrets. He suddenly feels extra guilty, because he knows about those secrets. And they’ve all gone to waste.

Yamaguchi inhales and chokes. Tears start falling from the corner of his eyes and onto either side of his head. He roughly rubs the heel of his hand into his eyes. He feels pathetic, and probably looks the part, too. His heart is quivering in his ribcage as he thinks morbid thoughts. Thoughts he’s probably had before, maybe in middle school. It just makes him sick; he didn’t know he would be having them again.

He thinks about jumping into a river, a river so cold that your body instantly goes into shock as soon as you hit the surface. He thinks about tightening a belt around his neck, so tight that his face goes red before even jumping off the chair. He thinks about sitting in a warm bathtub, and a sharp pain in his arm, and the bath water filling up with red. Red, red, red.

And he thinks about Tsukki. And his mom and the volleyball team and his friends. And he knows that he can’t, that he never will. He hates imagining what they would think if he found him like that, lifeless. He inhales deep and trembling. He’s sick of these thoughts. Eventually he gets up out of bed.

It’s still extremely early, 5:57 a.m., but he can’t seem to fall back to sleep. Besides, he doesn’t feel like walking with Tsukki to school today. If he leaves the house early enough, and manages to avoid him throughout the day, then he won’t have to see him till volleyball practice. He gets ready: he gets into the shower (ice cold), gets dressed in his uniform, has a quick breakfast, takes the lunch that his mother kindly prepared last night, takes his bag, and heads outside.

The moon seems to have disappeared, but the sun still hasn’t risen either. In the ominous split between day and night, he starts walking to school. Yamaguchi takes out his phone to check the time. 6:48 a.m. it reads. As he walks, he reads the messages left by Tsukishima.

_5:45 p.m: please get home safe, yama_

_5:49 p.m: did you get home?? please text me_

_6:02 p.m: do you wanna talk about what happened now that you’re home? we can talk tomorrow if you’re not feeling it rn. you’re probably tired_

_6:17 p.m: i’m really sorry, tadashi. i didn’t mean to make you upset. just talk to me when you have the chance. i’m always here for you_

_Yesterday 6:32 p.m: please talk to me tomorrow, yama. get some rest_

The guilt starts rising in his stomach, making an unforgivable pit. He wonders if he should tell Tsukki that he’s already on his way to school so he won’t worry about him. He types out a quick message, deletes it, rewrites it, deletes it again, and puts his phone away, frustrated. He knows he’ll probably regret it later, but he’s more focused on getting to school. Besides, isn’t that what Tsukki wanted? No, that’s a cruel thought. He knows better than to twist his words like that, especially ones with good intentions.

Yamaguchi arrives at the school at 7:15. Him and Tsukki usually show up to school a lot later than that, so now he’s exposed to a somewhat stranger experience. He sees some familiar faces around the school grounds, like Shimizu. She spots him at the entrance and gives him a polite wave. He waves back. She seemed to be in some kind of hurry since she turns away and heads down a corridor of classes. Yamaguchi, however, notices the odd way she looked at him for a moment, probably because Tsukki wasn’t beside him. Everyone that knows the two of them expects to see Yamaguchi glued to Tsukishima’s side nearly all the time.

He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he ignores it, guessing that it’s from Tsukki. He feels unkind for ignoring him in such a childish manner, but he’s still emotionally hungover by what happened last night. His mind is still hazy from lack of sleep and sadness, so he heads to the bathroom. Before opening the door, he hopes that it’s empty, or at least not filled with thugs looking to start a fight. He opens it and sees no one inside. He breathes a sigh of relief and walks in, shutting the door behind him. 

Yamaguchi turns on the faucet and splashes water on his face. It’s frigid and not refreshing in the slightest, but he definitely feels more awake. He shuts off the water, clutches either side of the sink, and looks at himself in the dirty bathroom mirror. His eyes are tinged with red and have dark bags underneath them. His hair is a mess and so are his clothes. Actually, everything about him looks like a mess. Just looking at himself makes him sick.

He wonders if he should text Tsukishima, or maybe even call him now that he’s alone. Or at least read the message he left him a few minutes ago. He sighs heavily. He really feels sick now. Guilty. Childish. He wonders if he’ll feel any better by volleyball practice. His grip on the sink tightens, and his knuckles turn white. As he’s in the middle of his thoughts, the bathroom door slams open. Yamaguchi panics at first, thinking that he’s going to be caught in the middle of something bad, but—

“God, man! You shouldn’t be running on an empty stomach like that!”

“You’re the one who— _oh god_ — dared me to race you!”

Yamaguchi immediately settles down when he recognizes the two voices as Tanaka and Nishinoya. Tanaka is clutching his stomach as he barges into the nearest bathroom stall. He slams the stall door behind him for privacy, but Yamaguchi sees Tanaka fall to his knees in front of the toilet before it closes. Noya rushes in behind him, concerned and annoyed. The shorter upperclassman notices Yamaguchi, and his entire demeanor shifts.

“Heya, Yamaguchi!” He bursts out, smiling. Yamaguchi realizes that he’s never really seen any of upperclassmen on their team around the school except during practice. He didn’t expect him and Tanaka to be the type to show up early or on time for school.

“H-hey, Noya,” he croaks in response. He’s just now noticed how raspy his voice is, probably from hours of sobbing. He hopes that the other doesn’t notice.

“Don’t mind us here. Tanaka and I raced each other halfway on our way to school, and now he’s probably heaving up... well, nothing cause the idiot didn’t eat anything!” He turns his attention to Tanaka in the stall as he yells out that last part.

“Whatever, whatever! Besides, I’m not even throwing up. I think I’m fine— wait, no. Feel sick again.” Tanaka coughs. Noya ignores him and turns back to Yamaguchi. His expression suddenly turns concerned when he takes a closer look at him.

“Yama, you look tired as all hell. Did you sleep at all last night?” Geez, he really does have the worst luck doesn’t he?

“Um, not really, I guess. I think I have a headache or something,” he lies. He detects Noya’s anxiousness, and he forces a smile. “B-but, it’s nothing to worry about, really! I’m gonna be fine.”

“Will you be alright for practice today?”

“I hope so. I mean, y-yeah! I’ll be fine! Just fine.” God, he’s bad at this. He’s stammering like a moron. It’s a miracle that Noya hasn’t raised any more suspicion.

“Well, hope you feel better later!” Noya says. There’s a hint apprehensiveness in his voice, but he seems to have let the topic go. “So, where’s blondie?”

“Tsukki? Oh, I don’t know,” he answers. “I didn’t walk with him today.”

“Eh? Don’t you two walk together like everyday?” This time it’s Tanaka who asks, suddenly appearing from the bathroom stall. He seems to be feeling better now.

“I just wanted to get to school earlier today.” Yamaguchi bites his tongue after replying, regretting saying such a stupid excuse.

“Seems like you should have stayed in bed. You look awful!” Tanaka says. Noya slams a fist into his side, and Tanaka winces, not from the punch but from what he said. “Sorry! It’s just you look so tired, man. You feeling alright?”

This time Yamaguchi doesn’t feel like lying. He shrugs and dejectedly glances at the floor. Noya and Tanaka look at each other, clearly worried.

“Did something happen, Yamaguchi?” Noya asks.

He hesitates for a moment, but eventually nods.

“You wanna talk about it?” Tanaka looks at him wit the softest expression that Yamaguchi’s ever seen on him.

“It’s... it’s personal. I’d rather not. It’s not a big deal anyway.”

“Listen, Yama. We won’t push it if you don’t wanna talk about it, but know that we’re here for you. We’ve got your back, so don’t feel shy to come and talk to us. Got it?” Noya puts a firm hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder, and for the first time since yesterday, he brightens a little. He smiles at him and nods.

The bell for first period rings, breaking the moment between the three of them. Yamaguchi gives the other two a final goodbye before leaving the bathroom and heading to class. He can vaguely hear Tanaka call out a few words of motivation, but Yamaguchi can’t make them out. He looks back and doesn’t see either of them leave, and he guesses that’s typical behavior for them considering their grades. As he navigates his way through the crowded hallways to his first class, he feels another vibration in his pocket. He takes the phone out and shuts it off.

Yamaguchi makes it to his first class with no hassle. He feels slightly better from his talk with Nishinoya and Tanaka in the bathroom, but he’s still incredibly tired from lack of sleep. He desperately tries to stay awake during class, but is so caught up in trying not to fall asleep that he pays no attention to what’s actually happening in class. He goes through each of his four first classes in the same state of exhaustion.

At the end of fourth period, the bell for lunch rings. Yamaguchi barely hears it at first and almost a nods off to sleep with his head resting against his hand, but soon notices the commotion of other students moving around the room. After he’s started awake, he picks up his belongings and leaves the classroom. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima always have lunch together, usually with Tsukki going over to his classroom to eat with him. But with this forming pit of anxiety in his stomach, he’s certain that he won’t be able to eat and look at Tsukki at the same time without puking.

During the entire lunch break, Yamaguchi hides out in the bathroom. He downs his food quickly in one of the gross stalls, and spends about ten more minutes in there before getting bored. He pulls out his phone, turns in back on, and takes a deep breath before checking the unread messages.

_7:18 a.m: are you not coming to school today? you weren’t outside when I got to your house so I left. please text me soon yama_

_8:01 a.m: I think I saw you in the hallway. if that was you meet me in the bathroom during lunch. we need to talk_

Yamaguchi nearly drops his phone when he reads the last message. God, no. No no no no no. He tries to force himself to calm down by filing through excuses. It’s already been twenty minutes into their lunch break and he hasn’t shown up yet. Plus, there are way more bathrooms in the school besides this one. What are the chances that Tsukishima shows up now?

Apparently the chances are pretty fucking high. He hears someone enter the bathroom, and like prey hiding from its predator, he climbs onto the toilet and pulls his feet up. A familiar voice calls out.

“Yamaguchi? Are you in there?” Is it even a question? The tone of Tsukishima’s voice is so sure; he must already know it’s him in the only locked stall. Yamaguchi truly feels like a cornered animal now. There’s no running. No hiding. No lying or excuses. He knows Tsukishima better than anyone, and he knows he isn’t going to let this go. He’s going to have to face this head on, or as “head on” as it can be with a bathroom stall door between them.


	3. some mistakes get made, that's alright, that's okay (reprise)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attack, mentions of suicide

"Tadashi. I know you're in there," Tsukishima coaxes. He raps his knuckles against the locked stall door. His voice is so composed, maybe even cold. Yamaguchi can tell that he doesn't even want to be here. That this is something he _has_ to do or else Yamaguchi will go on with his life as a walking disaster. He suddenly feels like a parasite, dependent on someone more put together than him. He feels like vomiting.

Eventually, Yamaguchi clambers off the toilet seat, but he doesn't open the door. The sight of Tsukishima is bound to make him fall apart. What will his expression be like when he unlocks that door? Probably disappointed. Frustrated. Pitying. Impatient. It's what he deserves, Yamaguchi thinks. That he deserves this punishment. A punishment suited for a coward like him. Tsukishima knocks on the door again, and he flinches. He already knows that he's in here, but maybe he can will himself from existence. If he thinks hard enough, he can disappear, and Tsukishima can forget all about this. All about him.

"Yama, please come out."

Yamaguchi shakes his head but feels incredibly stupid afterward for doing so. He knows that Tsukki can't see him, but his voice gets trapped in his throat for several seconds. He's sure that he'll end up throwing up if he opens his mouth. Every bone in his body is trembling. He's not even sure if he's really breathing. He knows the signs, he knows he's on the verge of a panic attack right now. He's had them before, but they've always occurred in solitude, in his bedroom or locked away in an empty bathroom. No one's ever had the chance to see him in the middle of one. And this one... he's never had one this violent before. God, he's _shaking_.

"Yamaguchi." His voice is stern now. It scares him.

"I don't want to see you right now," he says very cautiously. He's always had a habit of saying whatever comes to his mind, but he can't afford to slip up now. He's certain that Tsukki can hear his quivering voice.

"You can't just avoid me forever. I know that you're hurt but this is unhealthy. You're my friend and I can't let you go on like this. Just talk to me, Yamaguchi."

 _Friend._ It hurts. He knows it shouldn't, but it does. Tsukishima means well, and maybe that's why it hurts so much. The fact that Tsukki cares so much, too much, about him. And he's throwing all of it away. He's just that selfish.

"You don't have to worry about me, Tsukki. I just need time."

"Time? How much time? Time means nothing if you don't get help now." He says in his usual cold tone, but it's almost a scold. Yamaguchi can tell he's getting exasperated. "And don't tell me that I should worry about you. Tanaka and Nishinoya told me that you were in the bathroom this morning. They said you looked like a mess. I've never seen them more concerned. I shouldn't worry about you, Tadashi? How can I not worry?" His voice spikes for the last few words.

Yamaguchi feels a sharp stab in his chest. It was foolish of him to think Tsukishima wouldn't worry. He feels even more guilty by the fact that his two other friends are also worried about him. He's managed to drag three friends into his problems. He's burdened them. A burden. Yeah, that's pretty fitting. 

"Tsukki," Yamaguchi begins, "I'm weak. You know that, too. But let me handle this by myself. I don't want to be a liability."

"A liability? Tadashi, you're not a liability. And you're not weak. But if you don't let me help you, then... then I don't know what I'm going to do with myself!" Tsukishima cries. He's not angry, not yet, but he's clearly distressed. Yamaguchi knows that if he keeps dismissing him that he's eventually going to snap. He changes his approach. He's aware that it's probably going to make Tsukki more upset, but he's decided that he wants to be on the offense this time.

"It's hard to believe that you don't think I'm weak, especially after last night."

"What does that mean?" Tsukishima asks, genuinely confused. It's as if he's completely forgotten about it. Yamaguchi feels the temperature of his blood rise to a slow boil. He shakes, sensing his carefully built barriers starting to crack under the pressure.

"I told you I was in love with you. And then you started talking about school and practice and... I couldn't even understand what you meant at first. But then I got it." He takes a shaky deep breath. "Tsukki, I get that you don't feel the same way. I'm not even surprised, honestly. I can't make you love me. But... but you couldn't say that, could you? You thought I was too weak, too sensitive, to take a straightforward answer. You couldn't just admit that you didn't love me back, because you knew it would hurt. Right?"

Tsukishima doesn't respond, but Yamauchi can hear him breathing steadily on the other side of the door. He wants to push a little more. Just to see what Tsukki has to say. For a second, he has the urge to open the door just to stand face-to-face with him, just to see the look on his face. But he doesn't. Eventually, he hears Tsukki exhale, and he braces himself for the impact.

"Should I apologize, Tadashi?" Tsukishima's question is bitter and cold. "Because perhaps I did think you were too weak for an honest answer. If you were strong enough for what I really had to say, then I should apologize, right? But, my question is, were you? If I told you how I felt last night, then would we still be in this situation? If I said, 'Yamaguchi, I don't love you,' then you wouldn't have cried?"

Yamaguchi thought that he would break down under his own pressure, but he was dead wrong. Tsukishima managed to strike him down with one swing. His arms were coated in salt, and his words were like ice, engraving terrible marks on his skin. Every question was a stringing blade, cutting him up into pieces. And what was worse was that he knew he was right, and that was the gasoline being poured into his open wounds. All that was left to do was strike the match.

Yamaguchi slumps against one of the stall walls. His eyes overflow with tears, blurring his vision. He feels each individual tear slide down his face. A scream threatens to escape from his vocal cords, but he forces it down with a harsh swallow. He feels his chest rise and fall at a rapid rate, but he can't get any oxygen to fill his lungs. He's shaking. God, he's really _fucking shaking_. Where is he? Is he still in the bathroom? Is Tsukishima still here? He hears a noise. It doesn't sound like talking. It sounds like ringing. God, it won't _stop._

"Yama? Yamaguchi, I'm sorry. Please open the door. I'm so sorry, Tadashi. Just open up." _Open the door, open the door, open the door._ Christ, it's all he can hear. It's just this ringing and Tsukki's voice and the knocking on the door and his heart beating and his breathing and the white noise in his head. He inhales, sharp, and everything goes silent. Something in him goes dark.

" _Fuck._ Just fuck off, Tsukki! Leave! Just leave. God, you're just like everyone says you are. You're so cruel and cold and distant. How could I... how could I have ever..." He can't even finish his thought. He breaks into another sob. He barely registers the muted footsteps leaving the bathroom and the slamming of the door. He just keeps crying.

-/-/-

After the first five minutes, he was left in silence. He had barely registered Tsukishima leaving, and was confused as to why there was a sudden hush. The ringing had stopped, and so had the voices and the knocking. The heavy thunder of his beating heart and his uneven breathing was still rushing in his ears. Then, it dawned on him. He remembered the harsh words he screamed at Tsukishima. The way he screamed at his best friend, his first crush, his everything. A heavy storm of guilt formed above him and another panic attack threatened to rain down. He knew there was was no going back from this one. Tsukishima had tried to fix things. He had tried to confront him, tried to help him, and Yamaguchi had turned him away.

He doesn't have another attack, but he does slump against the wall and slides down to the floor, weeping softly into his hands. Yamaguchi knows he was wrong to call Tsukishima all those things. Cruel. Cold. Distant. How could he say those things about the person who was trying their hardest to save him? If anything, those words described him. He wonders how he'll ever be able to apologize to him now. Will Tsukki even want to see or hear from him? He admits that what Tsukishima said to him hurt, too, but at least he had the decency to apologize. He knew he had hurt Yamaguchi, and, once again, he swatted him away.

_How could I have ever loved you?_

That's the biggest lie of all. Because after everything Yamaguchi still loves him. He loves him just as much as the day he met him. He still wants to have late-night study sessions and then sleep in the same room. He wants to watch dumb movies and try to reach out to hold his hand. He wants to walk home after school with him when the sky is a perfect mix of blues and lilacs and reds. He wants those moments back, even if they end up just being friends. He wants _him_ back because he knows nothing can replace the feeling of warmth and safety when he's around.

Yamaguchi spends the next hour and a half locked in the same bathroom stall. He feels ashamed for skipping his last two classes, but he knows he doesn't have the energy to spend any more time inside a classroom or surrounded by other people. There are a few times when someone walks into the bathroom and he panics for a moment, thinking that maybe Tsukki has come back to talk to him. Every time, however, it ends up just being someone coming in to use the bathroom, and Yamaguchi has to calm down and shut himself up. Tsukishima never returns to the bathroom. 

Eventually, the final bell of the day rings, releasing all the students home or to their designated clubs. Yamaguchi takes a while to move from his spot on the bathroom floor. He understands that he can't miss his volleyball practice. He'll just get behind, and that's another burden he'll put on to more people he cares about. His teammates don't deserve to be dragged down with his struggle. Yamaguchi forces himself onto his feet and opens his gym bag that he keeps his clothes in. He undresses, which turns out to be a hassle inside the tight stall and puts on his gym shirt and shorts. He slings his bags over his shoulder and steps out of the stall. He's immediately met with his reflection in the mirror in front of him. He winces at his bloodshot eyes and the dark bags underneath them. Faint tear tracks have engraved themselves into his freckled cheeks. Even after vigorously washing his face in the sink, his face doesn't look any better. He lets out a defeated sigh and leaves the bathroom for the first time in what feels like forever.

Yamaguchi ambles down the empty hallway and exits through the large doors leading to the pathway to the gym. The metal canopy above the pathway blocks out the sun hanging in the sky, casting heavy shadows on the ground. It's a peaceful view that settles his nerves for a small moment. He walks up the steps leading up to the gym doors, but stops, his hand outstretched to push them open. He wonders how Tsukki will react when he sees him. He should probably apologize at the first chance he gets. He worries whether or not he'll actually forgive him, but it feels more important that he knows how sorry he is. Yamaguchi exhales and pushes the door open right as a squeaky voice chirps behind him.

"Hey, Yamaguchi!"

He swings around to see Hinata barreling towards him, cheerful as always. Kageyama shambles behind him with an annoyed look on his face. Both of them are already wearing their uniforms. Yamaguchi forces a small smile on his face as they approach him. Hinata smiles back, not noticing his tired features, opens the other door and bolts into the gym. Kageyama, however, discerns Yamaguchi's red eyes and the dark rings beneath them. They enter the gym, but not without Kageyama giving the other first-year a concerned look.

"You look kinda tired, Yamaguchi," he says. His voice is monotone, but it's obvious that he's trying to get Yamaguchi to talk about it.

"Eh? Oh, it's nothing. I didn't sleep well last night." He brushes it off, trying not to get Kageyama (and consequently Hinata) involved. Kageyama walks over to the basket of volleyballs, and Yamaguchi follows.

"I honestly didn't expect you to show up at all today since neither you nor Tsukishima came to the club room to change." He picks up a ball and tosses it around in his hands. Hinata is already waving at him excitedly like a puppy waiting to play fetch. Yamaguchi's stomach shifts.

"Tsukki's not here?" His voice is way more panicked than he intended. His heart falters for a moment. Is Tsukki avoiding _him_ now? It's hypocritical to question it since that's exactly what he's been doing to him this whole time, Yamaguchi thinks. But now he's starting to feel sick at the realization that Tsukki may not want to even see him after what happened.

"I saw him in the hallway during my fifth period and he said he was leaving early. Said he wasn't feeling well or something," Hinata says, running up to them. "He seemed kinda upset about something. You have any idea about it, Yamaguchi?" He questions, tilting his head in curiosity.

"Upset?" Yamaguchi feels himself go pale. "Um, maybe. I think he might be mad at me. We... we had a fight earlier today." He fidgets with the hem of his shirt. He hasn't even started practicing and he's already sweating.

"You had a fight?! About what?" Hinata questions. Kageyama immediately whacks him in the back of the head. "Hinata, you idiot! Don't be rude."

A chill runs up his spine. "Did... did he really just leave?"

"Are you alright, Yamaguchi? You look really shaken up about this," Kageyama frets. "Maybe you should sit out for practice today."

"Y-yeah, okay." The three of them start walking over to the benches over by the walls. He feels lightheaded all of a sudden. "I kinda feel like I'm...gonna..."

"Oh, God, please don't pass out." Kageyama is already placing a sturdy hand against his back.

"Or throw up! Should I get Daichi? Or Suga? Dammit, Coach isn't even here yet!" Hinata panics.

"No, no. I'll be fine. I just gotta sit down for a minute." Yamaguchi sits on the bench. He's hunched over, hands in his head, glossed over in sweat and pale.

In a few seconds, the third and second-years walk through the gym doors and Hinata bolts to them. "Daichi! Suga! Yamaguchi's dying!"

"Hinata, don't say that, dumbass!" Kageyama shouts. Yamaguchi gives a small smile, amused by the two's antics. He's definitely not dying, but it kinda feels like he might at any second. He looks over at the group by the entrance. The third-years are a mix of confused and concerned, but the other two are already walking over to him. Tanaka takes a seat on the bench next to Yamaguchi while Nishinoya stands beside them. Both of them are looking at him with forced smiles, either trying to hide their evident worry or just trying to make Yamaguchi feel better.

"Hey, man," Tanaka starts awkwardly. Everyone knows that he isn't the best for sentimental moments, but Yamaguchi appreciates the attempt. "You still look a little tired. Are you feeling any better?"

He shrugs. He definitely feels way more emotionally exhausted now than the last time they saw him, but he doesn't want to impose his friends with that kind of worry. "I guess I feel the same. It's no big deal, really."

"Well, we saw Tsukishima in the hall after we left the bathroom," Noya adds. "I hope you don't mind but we told him you weren't feeling well. I just figured it would be okay since you two were close..."

"Oh, yeah." Yamaguchi's eyes fall to the floor dejectedly, remembering what Tsukki told him earlier. "I-it's okay. I don't mind. I already talked with him today during lunch."

"Is that when you had that fight?" Kageyama interjects. Yamaguchi, startled, turns to him with a panicked expression. The other first-year gives him a confused look, plainly unaware that he probably shouldn't have brought it up around the other two.

"A fight? With Tsukishima?" The four of them turn their attention to the new voice. Sugawara, with Daichi, Asahi, and Hinata trailing behind, approaches the group. Yamaguchi's stomach flips. Of course, with his horrible luck, he's managed to drag in nearly the entire volleyball team into his problems. Suga takes center stage, standing directly in front of Yamaguchi. His arms are crossed in front of his chest in an authoritative manner, but his expression is soft and concerned.

"Where _is_ Tsukishima?" Daichi questions, scanning the gym for the tall blonde.

"Left early," Hinata pipes in.

"It's not a big deal, guys. I'm fine," Yamaguchi argues quietly. His voice is mellow and faint; he really has no energy to try to convince them that he's okay. His team isn't exactly bright, but he's easy to read, and it's obvious that he's lying.

"Obviously you're not fine. You nearly passed out when we told you Tsukishima wasn't here," Kageyama fires back.

Yamaguchi curls into himself, desperately trying to make himself smaller. Tries to will himself away from this situation. Tries to disappear. "I'm fine," he says, even quieter than before.

"Guys, back off a little," Asahi intervenes. "You're making him anxious."

"Exactly, Asahi," Daichi continues. "Listen, Suga will talk to Yamaguchi. Everyone, start warming up before Coach shows up." After a second of hesitation, everyone disbands. Hinata follows Kageyama to the nets, bluntly stating, "Way to go, dummy." Kageyama snaps back with "What did I do?!" Asahi, Noya, and Tanaka head the opposite direction, glancing over their shoulders to catch a look at the remaining three.

Daichi turns to Sugawara. "You've got this?"

Suga smiles and gives him a reassuring nod. "You know me. Considered it handled. Now, go out there and be a good captain!" He wacks him playfully in the shoulder before sending him away. He then turns back to Yamaguchi, still hunched over and staring at his own hands in his lap. He takes a seat next to the dejected first-year. Sugawara pauses and thinks. To his team, he's always been the motherly figure: caring, protective, emotionally available, supportive. Giving comforting smiles and helpful comments to his teammates when they need it most. Picking them back up when they're losing a match. But he can tell that this isn't about volleyball. It's something bigger, something painful, to Yamaguchi. He's a little afraid that he'll cause more damage to his underclassman. But if he's hurting so badly, then he has to put away his fear and be there for his teammate.

He breathes deeply, then smiles to himself. _Considered it handled._


	4. in the end it’s better for me

“Care to talk?” Suga begins. Yamaguchi continues to look down at his lap. 

He sighs. “I’m not exactly sure where to start. And I don’t know if I want to talk about it... here. In front of everybody.” He then snaps up and turns to Sugawara. “Not that I don’t trust you guys! It’s just—“

“No, no. I get it. I’m sorry, I probably should have asked earlier. Would you rather talk in the club room instead?”

“Y-yeah, I think that’d be better,” he says, standing up just as Suga does. Before walking out of the gym, the third-year tosses a look at Daichi, and the captain nods. Even without exchanging words, they can somehow understand each other clearly. It’s almost reminiscent as to how he and Tsukki were. They exit the gym and climb up the stairs of the neighboring building where the club room is located.

Inside the club room, Suga shuts the door behind him and slumps down to the floor with his back against the shelves. He pats the ground next to him, welcoming Yamaguchi to take a seat next to him. He does; he has his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. His back is hunched over rather uncomfortably to have his chin resting on his knees. Part of him, the part that's been lingering with him since the conversation with Tsukki in the bathroom, still feels anxious and emotionally worn down. However, he also experiences a sort of comfort with Sugawara sitting next to him. It's a warm and solid shoulder to lean on. It's nostalgic, he thinks, to what Tsukki was for him. And now he's reminded that Tsukki isn't even here. Because of him.

"So," Suga speaks, snapping Yamaguchi out of his thoughts. "What's been going on? Did something happen between you and Tsukishima?"

Yamaguchi hesitates before saying anything. There's a pit in is his stomach, caved in from the guilt of all the lies he's told so far. Saying that he's fine when he's not. _He's not fine._ He shouldn't lie to himself. He shouldn't lie to his friends. This may be his last chance to tell someone how he feels without pushing them away. He's not making the same mistake again.

"Yeah. Something happened. And I'm not sure how to fix it." He pauses, taking in a deep, steadying breath before continuing. "Yesterday, when Tsukki and I were walking home, I... I told him I loved him. He didn't react... very well."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Suga frets. Yamaguchi jolts up so fast that the back of his head nearly hits one of the shelves behind him. He's shocked, and a little unsettled, that Suga would ask a question like that. Even with Tsukishima's cold and antagonistic behavior, it's disconcerting to think that he would actually hurt him.

"No! No, of course not. He would never."

Suga smiles in relief. "I figured that he wouldn't. You two are such close friends; he wouldn't hurt you intentionally. I was just making sure. So, tell me what happened."

"It's... it's hard to explain, really. I told him how I felt, and then he started saying a bunch of stuff I couldn't really understand. He said something about school and practice, and how my feelings shouldn't get in the way of that. But, I guess it was pretty obvious what he was actually trying to say." Yamaguchi stays silent for a long time, hoping that Sugawara takes the reigns on this conversation. Part of him, however, knows that the third-year isn't going to let him give in so easily.

"And what do you think he was trying to say?" Suga presses. Yamaguchi knows that the other isn't the type to let his teammates run away from their problems. He's always been determined to make them confront their issues, even if it takes a bit of coaxing.

"He was trying to say... he doesn't..." He doesn't even finish his sentence before he starts to choke up. A lump forming in his throat threatens to escape in the form of a scream, but he quickly presses a hand to his mouth to keep himself quiet. His breathing quickens and he starts to feel lightheaded. A second panic attack brews from his chest. He attempts to take in a steady breath to calm himself down, but his entire body quivers as he inhales.

A pair of arms envelop him and comforting hands rub his shaking shoulders. Suga maneuvers Yamaguchi's body so that his head is buried into his chest. In a motherly nature, he pets the crying boy's hair as he shushes him. Yamaguchi feels bad for getting tears and snot onto his upperclassman's shirt, but it's drowned out by Suga's quiet, comforting words. Eventually, his sobs slow down and he's able to breathe calmly. He unfurls himself away from Suga and sits back in his original position.

"Do you wanna keep talking about it? Or do you need some time alone? We'll do whatever you think is best," Suga says.

"No, I'm okay. We should keep going," Yamaguchi insists. "I haven't even gotten to the talk in the bathroom. So, basically, I avoided Tsukki all day, and I wasn't planning on talking to him until practice. Then, I went to the bathroom during lunch and he came in after me. He was trying to talk to me about... everything. And I kept dismissing him, telling him I was okay. And Tsukki's smart, so of course he knew I wasn't really okay. But I just didn't want to become a burden or a liability. I wanted to handle it on my own, and I kept pushing him away. And it's really selfish because Tsukki was worried, too. And I just-"

"Yamaguchi, remember to breathe. You're rambling," Suga interrupts. Yamaguchi suddenly realizes that he's shaking. His breathing is off and there's an uncomfortable stinging sensation behind his eyes.

"Y-yeah, sorry." He pauses for a few moments to steady his breathing. He holds his hands together in his lap to stop them from quivering. After a few seconds, he continues. "I feel selfish because Tsukki was also hurting, and I didn't say anything to give him closure. We both ended up more hurt and confused than before. He was just trying to help. And then I came into the gym, and Kageyama and Hinata told me Tsukki wasn't here and I thought I had messed it all up."

"Do you really think Tsukishima wouldn't forgive you?" Suga questions. "I mean, you know him better than I do. But, it seems like he has a bit of a soft spot for you. I don't know exactly what you two said to each other during your fight, but if you're willing to forgive him, then maybe he'll give you another shot, too."

Yamaguchi chews on this for a long time. Suga's reasoning makes him hopeful. He reflects on all their years together, on the friendship they built. He _knows_ Tsukki. He knows that he wouldn't throw away everything they've had over one argument. It would be a childish thing to do. Hell, it's even childish on Yamaguchi's behalf for even thinking that.

"He... he would forgive me. Because he's my friend and this friendship means just as much as him as it does to me." _Friendship._ That word doesn't hurt as much as it used to. If Tsukki doesn't want more than that, then Yamaguchi is willing to be fine with that. Even though it leaves a small ache in his heart knowing that he may never get what he truly wanted, he'll still have his warmth and safety that he's always had.

Sugawara gives him a gentle, proud smile. His hazel eyes shine with newfound joy. "So, what are you planning on doing?"

"I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I'll apologize and then we'll be friends again. Just friends." Yamaguchi's smiling as he speaks, but it shifts into something somewhat sad at the end. _It hurts. It'll probably always hurt._

"You really love him, don't you?"

Yamaguchi nods.

"Can I tell you something?" Suga asks. When Yamaguchi turns to him, the third-year is wearing a juvenile grin. "I could kinda tell you had a crush on him from the beginning."

His eyes widen and his freckled cheeks bloom red with surprise. "You did? Am I really that obvious?"

"Just a little. But you know how the rest of the team is in terms of intelligence, so I'm sure none of them noticed." He jokes, playfully winking at the bashful first-year beside him. Yamaguchi laughs alongside him. Eventually, both of them stand up from their spots on the ground and exit the clubroom. The sky above is already getting dark, signaling that practice should be wrapping up soon. While on their way back to the gym, Yamaguchi apologizes for making him skip practice, but Suga kindly dismisses him.

"It's okay, Yamaguchi. I don't mind skipping one day to make sure my teammates are in their best state. Once we come back from the weekend, we'll practice twice as hard!" He gives him his signature smile and a thumbs up, slightly reassuring him. Yamaguchi nods, and they enter the gym, which is already in a state of being picked up by the other students. He wanders over to his gym bag that he left by the benches. Meanwhile, Suga, lingering behind him, signals to Daichi and Coach Ukai on the other side of the gym. Yamaguchi zips up his black jacket over his gym clothes and slings his bag over his shoulder. He feels a wince of guilt for not helping his teammates clean up, but Suga soon arrives to interrupt his thoughts.

"Are you going to walk home alone today? You usually walk with Tsukishima, so I don't know if you want someone else to go with you."

"Oh, I'll be fine on my own. Thank you, Sugawara. For everything."

He smiles warmly at him again. "As I said, I have to make sure my underclassmen are alright. Now, go home. If you're going to talk to Tsukishima tomorrow, then you'll need some rest." And with that, Suga sends him off with a pat on the shoulder. Yamaguchi leaves the gym and walks over to the trail outside the school grounds that leads to his house. Before heading off, he takes one last look at the illuminated gym and leaves.

For the first time in years, Yamaguchi walks home alone. He misses having Tsukki beside him, but he's made his plan in his mind. He'll talk to him tomorrow. He'll ask his mother for some time alone, then invite him over, like it's just any other late-night study session at his place. It'll be fine. It's going to be _fine._ Then why is he still so damn nervous? The moon looms heavy over his head in the sky, shining down on him like a spotlight. It's a totally different ambiance compared to yesterday when he confessed, with the pale moonlight and the harsh lighting of the streetlights. Several minutes of walking pass by, and eventually his home comes into view.

After entering his house and slipping off his shoes, he immediately heads for his room. He slumps onto his bed and pulls his phone from his pocket. There aren't any messages left from Tsukki, which worries him for a moment, but he tries to push his concerns to the side. He spends a while typing out a message to Tsukki. He rereads it several times, sweat sticking to his palms as he finally hits the send button.

_hey, tsukki. i'm sorry about everything. can we talk tomorrow? no arguing or dismissing anything. just an honest talk. i wanted to talk today during practice but hinata said you left early and i got worried. please stop by tomorrow. anytime is fine. i'm really sorry_

He sets his phone down and changes into his night clothes as he waits for a reply. Settling into bed, he stays staring at the black screen on his phone for a long time. After a while, he starts to lose hope and is about to fall asleep when a new message pops up on his screen. He jolts up immediately a man’s reaches for his phone to read it.

_i’ll be there at 12. gn_

A few seconds later, another message appears.

_i’m sorry, too_

Yamaguchi contemplates sending Tsukki a message back but ends up putting his phone back on the table to charge and falls asleep. That night he has another dream. Like the night before, he can’t recall what happens in it, but it still makes him scared.

-/-/-

As noon draws closer, Yamaguchi's nerves start to go haywire. He keeps wandering around his house, opening and closing doors behind him as he enters and exits every room. He's alone; he had already convinced his mother to leave the house, to which she sympathetically agreed after she found out why. Every so often, Yamaguchi stands in front of the bathroom mirror and recites what he's going to say when Tsukishima finally shows up. It's awkward and almost eerie how Yamaguchi continuously repeats his apologies to his own reflection like a madman.

Eventually, he leaves the bathroom and checks the forever ticking clock hanging on the living room wall. The time is 11:47. He knows Tsukki well enough to know that he should be here in a few minutes. He isn't the type to show up "fashionably late", but almost never arrives exactly on time. To soothe his nerves, he wanders around his home once more, considers practicing in the mirror again, but decides against it at the last second. He stands motionless in the center of his living room for a few seconds before growing irritated by the clock's constant ticking. He pulls his phone out of his pocket to play some music to settle him but nearly jumps out of his skin when a _ding_ alerts him to a new message.

_i'll be at your place in 2 minutes_

Yamaguchi swallows nervously as he reads the text sent by Tsukki. There isn't much left to do except wait for his arrival. The ticking of the clock echos through the empty house like the pulsating of a heart inside a ribcage. His own heart beats at the same rate like an internal countdown. Sweat forms on the back of his neck as the seconds steadily disappear. When the clock signals that a minute has passed, Yamaguchi starts counting the final seconds in his head.

Sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven...

By the time he reaches twenty-seven, there's a knock at his door which makes his heart jolt up to his throat. His feet are glued to the floor for a moment before he forces himself to move towards the door. He slides it open, revealing Tsukishima standing on the other side. Yamaguchi realizes this is the first time he's seen him face-to-face since their talk after school. Tsukishima's tall figure stands slightly hunched over, possibly to appear smaller than he actually is. His blonde hair is somewhat more unkempt than usual. His hands are hidden deep in the pockets of his jeans. Yamaguchi has picked up over the years that it's a sign of nervousness.

"Hey," Tsukishima starts indifferently.

"Hi," Yamaguchi returns. _Good start,_ he thinks. "Um, you should come in." He steps aside to let the other in. The blonde steps in like he's done thousands of times and slips his shoes off. He takes his hands out of his pockets to adjusts his glasses which didn't need adjusting in the first place. Yamaguchi wrings his hands together apprehensively. The atmosphere in the room is heavy with awkwardness and strange tension. Yamaguchi tries not to notice Tsukishima constantly looking at him, waiting for him to speak or at least look back at him. Fourty-two seconds pass, Yamaguchi counts, and he guesses that Tsukki has grown tired of waiting because he lets out a heavy sigh and starts speaking.

"Let's just sit down and talk. I know you're nervous, but you said we should--"

"Yeah," Yamaguchi interrupts. "Uh, sorry. I mean, we should cause I said we needed to talk and that's what we should do. So, uh. Yeah." God, he's terrible at this already. Without another word or without looking up at him, he walks over to the couch in the living room and sits down at one end. Tsukishima follows and takes the other end. They sit there for twenty-three seconds before Yamaguchi speaks up.

"So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about saying that you're cruel and distant. And for pushing you away. And ignoring you and avoiding you. And I'm really, really sorry for making things weird in the first place. Because I do love you, and I still do, but I shouldn't ruin our friendship over it. I can't make you love me, but I still want to stay friends. And I'm okay with being just friends if being more makes you uncomfortable."

There. Yamaguchi inhales deeply after spitting everything out, but he holds his breath, not willing to speak again until Tsukki does. His chest stays in its risen state for a very long time, however, for Tsukishima doesn't say anything afterward. His hands start to tremble in his lap as he worries about whether he said too much. His body is unsure whether to turn blue from lack of oxygen, red from embarrassment, or white from fear. Fifteen seconds pass.

"I'm sorry, too, Tadashi," Tsukishima says. "I practically cornered you in the bathroom yesterday. And, dammit, you were _crying._ I made you so upset. And I just left you like that."

"I'm the one who asked you to leave," Yamaguchi demurred.

"But," Tsukishima falters suddenly, unable to come up with an argument. "I didn't come to practice afterward. I basically chickened out. I made up an excuse so I could go home early. God, I'm such an idiot." Yamaguchi glances over at Tsukki to see him remove his glasses and roughly rub his eyes with the heel of his palm.

"It's okay, Tsukki."

"But it's not! I hurt you and I ran away. Even on the night you confessed to me, I left you. I just keep hurting you," Tsukishima cried. Yamaguchi noticed a few stray tears fall from his eyes.

"But you don't mean to hurt me, Tsukki. You never did. You always try to help me, but sometimes I just take it the wrong way. You're my friend, Tsukki. You could never truly hurt me."

It takes a while for Tsukishima to take his hands away from his face, but when he does, he looks over at Yamaguchi with deep, golden eyes. His expression is soft, but not showing any particular emotion. Another tear forms in the corner of his eye and rolls down his cheek, and then he smiles. He moves away from his corner of the couch and sits right against Yamaguchi. His knee knocks against the freckled teen's. Before Yamaguchi can say a word, Tsukishima is embracing him. The blonde's lanky arms wrap around him tightly, almost painfully, as he buries his nose into his shirt. The cold glass from his glasses press against the crook of his neck, and Yamaguchi shivers from all the sensations hitting him at once.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-"

"No, no. Tsukki, it's alright. Don't apologize anymore."

"No, let me apologize for one more thing." Tsukishima's voice is muffled as he speaks into Yamaguchi's shoulder. He pulls away from the hug and holds his face with both hands. His glasses are slightly skewed and his eyes are still bloodshot from crying. "That night, the night you told me you loved me. I didn't say all those things to spare your feelings or to try to reject you. I said it because I didn't think you should be in love with me. I thought I wasn't good enough for you. When you called me 'cold' and 'distant' in the bathroom, I thought you were right. I was just... afraid, I guess."

Yamaguchi swears that his heart stops beating. Tsukishima? Believing that he's not good enough for _him_? Tsukishima Kei with his attractive looks, height, smarts, humor, and subtle kindness that he shows just for him? And he wasn't trying to reject him all along?

"Wait, wait, wait. So... you?" Yamaguchi stammers, pointing a finger at Tsukishima and then back at himself. The other smiles at him. It's subtle but extremely beautiful. He nods.

"Yeah. I love you, Yamaguchi Tadashi."

Tears immediately start pouring from his eyes. He rests his head against Tsukishima's shoulder as he cries tears of joy. The blonde rubs his shaking back.

"Sorry, I'm a bit of an idiot when it comes to emotions," Tsukki jokingly apologizes.

"Yeah, definitely an idiot." They both laugh. Eventually, Yamaguchi stops crying and peels away from Tsukishima's hold. "Why'd you think I shouldn't be in love with you?"

He shrugs. "I guess the things people say about me get to my heads sometimes. Like how I'm mean or standoffish. And I thought you deserved someone warmer and more open. You're just so... perfect."

" _Me?_ Perfect? I always thought of you as the perfect one!"

"Oh, please. I'm far from perfect."

"Well, even if you're not perfect, I still love you."

"Yeah. I still love you, too."

Yamaguchi settles his head back on Tsukishima's shoulder. They sit there, their chests pressed against one another's. Their hearts beat at the same rate, steady as a ticking clock. Yamaguchi searches for Tsukki's hand and interlocks their fingers.

Yamaguchi may never figure out exactly why he fell in love with him. But he does. _God dammit,_ he really does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY finished this chapter. I almost teared up while writing it so I hope you all enjoyed it. I was kinda thinking about writing a follow-up fic for this because I'm not emotionally ready to let go of this story yet. But anyway thank you all for your comments/kudos. It really means a lot knowing so many people liked reading my stuff. <3


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